Post Chemo Post: When Your Dr Martens Outlive Your Relationships

Ladies and gentleman it is true, your Dr Martens will pprrrrobably outlive some of the relationships you previously thought were solid as a rock. Just goes to show these boots are everrrthang.

Lets start this with the old saying...I am not crazy.... and anyone who has 'drifters' will probably agree with me too. 
What are drifters I hear you ask? Well my trusted readers, those are the people who you thought would be there for you whenever you needed or night. Don't get me wrong, the strong ones will hang around like a bad smell you somehow... oddly enough WANT around, and they will ultimately be given the title 'forever friends'. Been on holiday together ...check....made music together....check....fought cancer with me...check!
#relationshipgoals are met by your significant other and your 'forever friends' but #drifters is now the ugly new trend.

When I was first diagnosed, it was so hard to digest the fact that I had cancer. My friends and family were the ones who drummed the 'stay positive' slogan into my head,  they were all involved in group messages, late night sobbing calls, misunderstood meet ups and the 'novelty' of a friend having cancer was on everyones radar. 
Endless messages...endless calls.... I was in a different place then, emotionally begging for support without actually begging and now.....poof.

I know I know, everyone has their own lives to deal with, their own families, their own set of problems. An insane girlfriend a stressful job, but now that chemo has ended it doesn't mean the friendships should too? Does it?

I think the main reason why we notice this sudden loss is the amount of time we invested into the relationship we thought would stand the test of time and now, when its time to be selfish and have the investment pay off, that is when you counted on the wrong ones.

This may seem like the 'oh she's complaining' post but I kid you not, there are tons and tons of posts out there from cancer patients on various platforms who feel the same thing.

Why does this happen....are we too stressful or tiring to be around? Does the new grabbing life by the horns thing scare them? Should I regret being so open about my diagnosis? 

Its hard to get to the route of why this happened but it did and there is not much we can do but explore our new relationships that we have been blessed with, and maintain the ones we had with the people that stuck around. Life has a funny way of proving the 'out with the old' theory, and sometimes you not only need to clear out and reorganise your wardrobe, but your friends too.

It can be a lonely moment...heck it can even feel like a bereavement, but I don't intend to do any crying or dwelling or even chasing...I'm way too tired mate. 

Its been exactly 1 month and 9 days since the end of chemo and 2 weeks since my lumpectomy. Treatment is definitely not over but I'm in a good place mentally for the moment. The mental aspects of going through chemo dip in and out of highs and lows and somehow we will get to the point where it is ....normal again. Its a fact. Its in stone and even if it takes years....we will be OK again.

I have fortunately made new friends and built stronger friendships with people whom I wasn't so close with before and man are these people amazing! Believe it or not Instagram has been a great place for finding like minded people who are going through the same 'cancer shite'.
I have been heavily investing time into my charity as I can't work at the moment, so daily Internet use without moving from my bed works well for such things.

I have a new found confidence that Sherlock himself would never have guessed would happen.
Getting to this place has not been easy. Its not something that just 'is' takes work, it takes energy, it takes me waking up everyday looking at my changed body my changed face and remembering how far I've come, how much shit I have crawled through with all this treatment. Its annoying that there is more to come but thing at a time.
 Its takes surrounding myself with people who understand a 'hard time' and connecting with them, not being afraid of reaching out because you know what...they will grab your hand and carry you with them because they are more than likely in the exact same situation as you. 

We sadly can't control how people respond and the disappearing acts around us, but we can control how we will respond to friends that may experience illness or hardship in the future. We can choose whether or not we want to 'forgive and forget'. 
A wise friend once told me we are in a position of great power, so use your powers wisely. 



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